御手杵 - O T E G I N E (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
passthrough) wrote2023-01-05 11:07 pm
passthrough) wrote2023-01-05 11:07 pm
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image courtesy of Nicholas Sitter
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image courtesy of Nicholas Sitter
no subject
Some things are like forces of nature. You can't stop them - you can only prepare for fixing what gets broken, and sometimes that's yourself.
[There had been a time where he had tried. Oz was always too dangerous to approach, only softening after meeting Arthur less then a decade ago, and Mithra was always too unpredictable and Figaro was always cruel. He had tried sucking up to Mithra, tried avoiding Oz and Figaro, tried his best to work around those he knew were more powerful then him...
But he's just as prideful as the rest of them, just as stubborn, and just as determined to carve a place for him in the permafrost of their home. Conflict was inevitable. Losing to the likes of Oz and Mithra was also inevitable, but cowardice was worse then death...
He can't just come out and say that, though.]
Humanity? People don't show me any humanity because I'm not human and I never will be, in their eyes.
[He doesn't even mean that in a metaphorical sense this time.]
I'm the evil wizard they want me to be. I'm doing them a favor by keeping it simple.
[He also definitely hasn't given up?? He's going to get the upper hand some day, and then he won't be the one dead on the ground. He just has to be patient until then and grit his teeth. Dying one thousand times doesn't matter when he'll get the last laugh.]
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But the rest?
What kind of world did this man live in that this was his absolute? Is he just mad? It's not something Otegine can dwell on too hard right this moment. He can't really even speak up to wanting to keep expectations to the status quo, when he's guilty of the same more often than not.
But his lips still thin as he keeps his eyes towards the ground, thinking over what to say.]
...
Nobody here knows any better, you know.
Nobody assumes you're evil unless you choose to do evil things. Nobody wants anything from you, except for some basic decency. You're surrounded by a lot of people that aren't human. Who cares that you're not one, either?
At least for a little while... why can't you just be "Owen"?
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Owen, as far as he knows, is simply who is existing in this moment, and there is no way something like that can just exist. Everything has a beginning and an ending - a source and a conclusion, but Owen has neither. He has no memory of a family, of a life before the Forest of Dreams and his watch over it, only vague feelings of something wrong and a deep sense of dread that twists his heart over the strangest things like thorns around his ankles and filthy children. There's no end to his story, either, because he will always come back from things that should be impossible to come back from. He is an anomaly. An aberration. He doesn't even draw his power from spirits the same way others wizards do...
So how can he just be Owen if nobody, not even himself, knows who or what Owen is? There are only so many indisputable facts about him that there's nothing else to grasp at for an identity.
But he can't say that, because it's a feeling he doesn't fully understand, it just simmers under the surface and gets him to pause momentarily instead of immediately snapping back. He's more lost now then he has been at any point in this conversation - in this entire stay at the island so far - and this whole time he's been feeling adrift at sea with no means to get ashore.]
...I don't know. Does it even matter?
[He sounds sulky, because he's absolutely sulking right now.]
It's all a waste of time when I'm just going to be leaving when these four months are up, anyways, so why bother? There's no Owen in anyone's future.
no subject
...
It's a twisting, familiar feeling, like a reversal of the night he looked at Sadachika and wondered how he could be so at peace with just being left to vanish to time.]
...Maybe a memory will need to be good enough for now, then. Even if it isn't something the future can hold onto... I'd still like to know for the present. You can't really make a memory out of nothing at all.
[Like him someday.
...
With a huff, he gently lifts to his feet once more, stuffing his hands into his pockets. A glance is given down to the jacket, considering, before he slowly shakes his head.]
Keep it. [The night is cold, and he's done all he feels he can do here without making this situation worse.] If you still really feel you're not safe anywhere in the next couple months... would you come find me?
I know I'm not good for much... and I can't take responsibility for whatever you choose to do. But if you need a little bit of peace... you could say I was made to protect people, if they didn't mind the hassle.
[He fully expects Owen to say no. But the branch is extended, nonetheless.]