御手杵 - O T E G I N E (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
passthrough) wrote2023-01-05 11:07 pm
passthrough) wrote2023-01-05 11:07 pm
inbox - crescentview
for any backtagged, overflowed, or private threads
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image courtesy of Nicholas Sitter
for any backtagged, overflowed, or private threads
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image courtesy of Nicholas Sitter
no subject
Forgive me for not wanting to see that desecrated any more than it already was. Nobody deserves that.
no subject
It was their selfish, biased sense of “justice”. As soon as they knew who it was…
So knowing him and then saying things like that? It’s hard to believe it’s genuine.]
You don’t even know what happened.
no subject
All I know is that you died. Pretty painfully, from what I saw.
That's all I need to know to make a decent choice, isn't it?
[Given Owen's attitude to his previous death, Otegine knows it probably doesn't matter as much to the other man. Maybe he sounds naive, saying it so plainly.
...
His back still stays towards him.]
no subject
…Hah. How long were you willing to wait? You don’t know anything about how my magic works, right? Were you going to be here all night?
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I figured I might have to be.
I've waited a lot longer for a lot less. And it's not like it felt right to ask you at any point.
You kind of seem like you prefer to keep that stuff close to you, anyway. Right?
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[It's a question that exposes more about Owen then he would readily admit to in other circumstances, but he doesn't know what else he can say to get it through Otegine's thick skull.
His fingers flex, and he doesn't feel much at all yet. Ugh. It feels like it's taking longer then it should be... Is this because of that Goddess? She's really the worst, maybe even more so then everyone else on the island.]
Do you want someone to try to take advantage of you that badly, Otegine?
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...
The next question, though, gives him pause, a brief turn of his head to acknowledge he's heard and is listening.]
What do you mean?
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[Not that there’s anything like the right thing, as far as Owen’s concerned. Justice, morals, things like that can all be twisted once someone sees something they desire or loathe enough.
All you need to do is wait for the fall.]
Kindness and decency will only draw people who want to use you and drain you dry of that. So is that what you want? For people to break you down until there’s nothing left? Because it’s the right thing to do.
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What a depressing way of thinking.
Were this any other situation, he'd think this was just outright mockery. But this man has already admitted he has no friends, that he's protective of himself. It feels like watching a serpent snap out its jaws in warning, over and over, for fear it will be touched.
...]
I do it because it's what I would want done to me.
I'm not going out of my way to think of people as some kind of selfish monsters. They're more complicated than that.
You're no different.
no subject
...
[It's stupid.]
You've already decided that, then? You're only going to get proven wrong, you know. Other people might not be selfish monsters in your eyes, but how many people have you met? How many wizards have you met just like me?
[He's pretty sure he knows the answer for that, so he doesn't even wait before continuing.]
None, right? So I hope you're prepared to be disappointed when you realize how much of a selfish monster I really am.
[He's not a good person. He's never been one, and he never will be. The memories of his life that aren't quite there don't matter, because it's been like this for centuries. The terrifying Northern wizard Owen, who will seal your fate if you look in his eyes. He's the source of everything painful and terrible in the lives of those he crosses, and he is just waiting for the day he pulls everyone down to hell with him.
That's what he's best at. That's all he can do. He doesn't want to be any better then this because he knows it's a fool's errand to even try.
Right?]
no subject
What is he trying to prove here? If he wanted Otegine to just leave, surely he would have just said as much by now.]
Do you want me to be dissappinted?
I'm older than I look. And I can't say I always get to view the best in a lot of things. People or otherwise.
Why can't I make that choice for myself?
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Of course I do.
[He's not sure seeing Otegine broken and disappointed would be as satisfying compared to someone like Cain, who strives so hard to be noble and honorable and has such lofty ideals it doesn't seem real, but...
Close enough. He's certainly close to that level.]
It's always fun to see people realize how wrong they've been all along, don't you think? Almost like seeing someone get their comeuppance.
[Because what kind of idiot would expect goodness out of Owen? Maybe Otegine doesn't know any better yet, but he's going to learn. Any good in Owen starved and died off a long time again.]
It's not a choice. You can't change what's unchangeable - you can only realize you've been blind to this truth because of your ignorance.
no subject
He sighs, a long and ragged sound when Owen's finally done.]
Owen, I barely know you.
You're cocky and arrogant. You make a lot of assumptions about yourself on behalf of everybody else. You don't really have a lot of respect for people, or any respect for yourself.
You also have limits. You don't want to be seen as weak. You'd rather other people pretend parts of you don't exist entirely. You twist people's words to get them to feel mad, so that you don't have to feel like you're being seen.
Why would I think comeuppance would be fun for someone like you, when you're just doing it to yourself?
[Was Owen talking about Otegine and not himself when he said thay? Yes. But he's deliberately choosing not to take the bait.]
1/2
[It’s hard to answer at first, every excuse or justification he has jumbling together into white noise that doesn’t make it past his lips.
The absolute audacity.
The sheer gall to say something like that ti Owen. If he were feeling generous he’d give him points for boldness, because he had thought Otegine just a bit of a doormat, but this is…
His fingers curl into the fabric of Otegine’s jacket, and he wishes he could tear it apart. He can’t, though. At most he might be able to pluck at the seams, but that wouldn’t satisfy the feeling he can’t explain.
No respect for himself? Doesn’t want to feel seen? He doesn’t even know what the latter one means but he knows he hates the way it makes him feel.]
You…
2/2
Who do you think you are? You say you barely know me but you’re confident enough to say things like that?
[He laughs, forced and manic at the same time, trying to get his legs under himself so he can get up and leave but still feeling just this side of weak and uncoordinated to actually be successful.
He hisses.]
Why won’t you just leave already?
[He just wants to be left alone in his misery and hurt. That shouldn’t be too much to ask for.
He does a poor job of keeping those feelings out of his voice, though.]
no subject
But he stays put. His hands curl into fists against his knees.]
Because you haven't asked.
And... I wanted to make sure you at least made it home safely.
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[He gives up on standing, flopping backwards and wrapping the jacket around himself like it's a blanket. Just let him rot...]
There's no home, here. Not even anything close.
[Not that he's ever had a home at all. He's heard of what homes should be like, but anywhere he's stayed has always been hollow and empty no matter what he added or what he made it of. Home just... didn't exist.
If there was such a thing as home, though, it would be the North. That's where he feels the most like himself, but he's stuck here.]
no subject
Do you not feel safe back at the farm you woke up at?
[Is he even WITH anyone? He gets the feeling Owen would just run away and pretend the other person didn't exist, but... that left him with nothing, didn't it?]
no subject
[Noé probably isn't the most dangerous person on the island, but he did manhandle and haul Owen around like a sack of potatoes when they first met, so he has negative points in Owen's book.
Plus a little bit of realistic expectations (paranoia) is never a bad thing! Always trust your gut.]
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Oi. A spirit just retaliating against someone doesn't make it vengeful, you know. [Mister "I ripped up my pamphlets despite warnings and all I got was this dead body".
...]
She's powerful. I don't think anyone on this island could do anything without her knowing about it.
Why would I want to try to doubt people around me when that's already hanging over our heads? We don't stay dead, right? And people are just... people. Not good, not bad, just people.
[...
It's quiet for a moment. He thinks of Adelis, of Van Zieks, of the ones that reacted so openly and violently to the changes around them... and he can't help but think Owen fits right in.]
...What else would I have to feel unsafe about with anyone here, unless it was the only thing I really knew?
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I don't want to be included in this.
[Owen is not a people. He's a wizard, and above that he's Owen. Evil, terrifying, powerful... Those are not ways most "people" would be described, he thinks. He is something to the left of that description.]
What proof do you have that the other people here aren't dangerous? I was killed by another person living on this island, after all, so it's obviously not as safe as you want it to be.
[Checkmate, Otegine!!!]
no subject
[He feels like they're talking in circles now, like there's something he isn't getting, and it's driving him mad...
With a sigh, he finally pushes up to his feet, carefully turning around to finally shoot a glance towards Owen. It's open concern, of course, hearing somebody else killed him... but why not say their name? It's too weird, to be so focused on this cyclical subject and not what should be a traumatizing event.]
...Well, yeah, of course it's not. Being safe doesn't mean all the problems and danger goes away. And I don't have any proof. It's just... a feeling.
[Inconvenient as it is, and he's visibly frustrated that he can't explain it better. But he simply shrugs, taking a couple steps toward the wizard and crouching down to meet him in his prone state.]
Just because something feels safe to me doesn't mean it has to feel safe to you. I'm... not made for arguing things like that. [He gives a glance down at the ground.] I wasn't here to see what happened, but... I know the last time you died, you weren't afraid of it. You don't seem to be this time, either.
So maybe... it's just a little hard to understand why you'd care about anyone being dangerous.
no subject
[What does he actually gain from that? Nothing, really. He’d be losing more then he gains, but it would put things back to the status quo he’s familiar with.
Owen will never understand why he was brought here, to this island, under these conditions. He refuses to make a promise as foolish as marriage, he doesn’t want to be liked, and all of these people who don’t know who he is and what he’s done treating him so… so…
It makes him uncomfortable. It’s just wrong. Unnatural. But he can’t figure out why it feels so awful, either.
Ugh. Stupid Goddess.]
Just because dying isn’t scary means I want to die all the time. It can get really inconvenient, especially when it takes even longer to come back now. I don’t want to be wasting time laying here talking to you when I could be doing better things.
[He wraps the jacket tighter around himself, pulling the collar over his nose and mouth.]
Dangerous things don’t like being around other dangerous things. I want to know who to look out to so I can at least die somewhere more comfortable next time. Or so I can get on their good sides, if they’re going to be useful.
no subject
That's a cruel way to think about yourself, isn't it? Just... expecting that you're going to keep dying. If you don't like it, then why wouldn't you try to stop it?
People showing some humanity to you... shouldn't be a game you have to play.
[And it feels strange, almost hurtful, to see someone speak of themselves like some sort of monster that deserves to be killed endlessly.]
I don't get it. It's like you've just... given up.
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Some things are like forces of nature. You can't stop them - you can only prepare for fixing what gets broken, and sometimes that's yourself.
[There had been a time where he had tried. Oz was always too dangerous to approach, only softening after meeting Arthur less then a decade ago, and Mithra was always too unpredictable and Figaro was always cruel. He had tried sucking up to Mithra, tried avoiding Oz and Figaro, tried his best to work around those he knew were more powerful then him...
But he's just as prideful as the rest of them, just as stubborn, and just as determined to carve a place for him in the permafrost of their home. Conflict was inevitable. Losing to the likes of Oz and Mithra was also inevitable, but cowardice was worse then death...
He can't just come out and say that, though.]
Humanity? People don't show me any humanity because I'm not human and I never will be, in their eyes.
[He doesn't even mean that in a metaphorical sense this time.]
I'm the evil wizard they want me to be. I'm doing them a favor by keeping it simple.
[He also definitely hasn't given up?? He's going to get the upper hand some day, and then he won't be the one dead on the ground. He just has to be patient until then and grit his teeth. Dying one thousand times doesn't matter when he'll get the last laugh.]
no subject
But the rest?
What kind of world did this man live in that this was his absolute? Is he just mad? It's not something Otegine can dwell on too hard right this moment. He can't really even speak up to wanting to keep expectations to the status quo, when he's guilty of the same more often than not.
But his lips still thin as he keeps his eyes towards the ground, thinking over what to say.]
...
Nobody here knows any better, you know.
Nobody assumes you're evil unless you choose to do evil things. Nobody wants anything from you, except for some basic decency. You're surrounded by a lot of people that aren't human. Who cares that you're not one, either?
At least for a little while... why can't you just be "Owen"?
no subject
Owen, as far as he knows, is simply who is existing in this moment, and there is no way something like that can just exist. Everything has a beginning and an ending - a source and a conclusion, but Owen has neither. He has no memory of a family, of a life before the Forest of Dreams and his watch over it, only vague feelings of something wrong and a deep sense of dread that twists his heart over the strangest things like thorns around his ankles and filthy children. There's no end to his story, either, because he will always come back from things that should be impossible to come back from. He is an anomaly. An aberration. He doesn't even draw his power from spirits the same way others wizards do...
So how can he just be Owen if nobody, not even himself, knows who or what Owen is? There are only so many indisputable facts about him that there's nothing else to grasp at for an identity.
But he can't say that, because it's a feeling he doesn't fully understand, it just simmers under the surface and gets him to pause momentarily instead of immediately snapping back. He's more lost now then he has been at any point in this conversation - in this entire stay at the island so far - and this whole time he's been feeling adrift at sea with no means to get ashore.]
...I don't know. Does it even matter?
[He sounds sulky, because he's absolutely sulking right now.]
It's all a waste of time when I'm just going to be leaving when these four months are up, anyways, so why bother? There's no Owen in anyone's future.
no subject
...
It's a twisting, familiar feeling, like a reversal of the night he looked at Sadachika and wondered how he could be so at peace with just being left to vanish to time.]
...Maybe a memory will need to be good enough for now, then. Even if it isn't something the future can hold onto... I'd still like to know for the present. You can't really make a memory out of nothing at all.
[Like him someday.
...
With a huff, he gently lifts to his feet once more, stuffing his hands into his pockets. A glance is given down to the jacket, considering, before he slowly shakes his head.]
Keep it. [The night is cold, and he's done all he feels he can do here without making this situation worse.] If you still really feel you're not safe anywhere in the next couple months... would you come find me?
I know I'm not good for much... and I can't take responsibility for whatever you choose to do. But if you need a little bit of peace... you could say I was made to protect people, if they didn't mind the hassle.
[He fully expects Owen to say no. But the branch is extended, nonetheless.]